5 Ways to Answer the Deadly Question, ‘Does This Make Me Look Fat?’

You have just been hit with one of the most dangerous questions ever. You know it is not a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer situation. You know that it is especially NOT a 'yes’ answer situation. It doesn’t matter that the fact she has to ask you in the first place should say enough in itself. The truth is that your survival greatly depends on the next few words that escape your mouth.

In other words, it’s a trap. And you’re in it tenders first.

Luckily for you I have compiled a list of appropriate responses in order of desperation. There are a handful of approaches that may release you from the grip of death...even if only momentarily. It’s up to you to use that opening to your advantage.

Approach One: Redirect the Conversation with a Semi-Related Compliment.

 There is no sense trying to conceal the truth. She will see right through your over flamboyant lie that will most definitely lead to a long life of silent treatment broken only by occasional, belittling questioning of your judgment.  Instead of your pathetic Pinocchio act, answer with a compliment that could be confused for a direct answer.

Be sure to be enthusiastic but not so much so that she can smell your desperation. This approach has the highest success rate.

Approach Two: Redirect the Conversation with a Totally Unrelated Yet Captivating Scenario

This is another sneaky way to dodge the question but it must be used with precision. It is the counter-attack of changing the subject entirely under the pretence that this new subject has affected you so severely that it will trigger her instinctual need to be nurturing. Once nurturing tendencies have been engaged it will cause her to abandon her pity party altogether and you will be safe as well as smothered with attention.

Be warned. This response must be used within the fraction of the moment her question has been presented. This is the only way that she may be fooled into believing that your emotional turmoil somehow overpowered your ability to hear her question. If you pause for even a moment this plan will fail.

Approach Three: The Looking Glass Effect

If the previous responses did not work you are now stumbling into increasingly dangerous territory. This next approach is a slightly hazardous yet rather crafty way to suddenly challenge her perspective long enough for you to make a run for it. Be creative and use long sentences if you can.

Act quickly. She may catch on sooner than you think.

Approach Four: The Guilt Trip

She is using foul play. Now it’s your turn.

The problem with this approach is that her mood may steadily depreciate and you may end up in just as much trouble as if you gave the straight answer. In some cases this response may trigger remorse and she will be moved to comfort your suffering. In other cases this response may move her to volcanic tears followed by the slow, torturous dissection of your soul one little piece at a time.

Approach Five: Set Something on Fire

This is your last-ditch attempt at survival. If all else fails and you are unable to stealthily set off the fire alarm then you have no choice but to resort to pyromania. Set something, if not everything on fire and run in circles yelling whilst the conversation goes up in a blaze of glory.

She will never ask you that question again.

You may also end up in prison.

However, if for some reason she visits you in prison she will have already gotten ready before she left the house and you will be presented with less pressing questions such as ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ and ‘Did you pay the homeowners insurance like I asked you?’