Why This Blog is So Necessary to Humanity

Thursday, May 14, 2015

The Anxious Brain

Since these last couple of posts have been great at exposing my ridiculousness I figured it would be fitting to talk about another aspect of my life worth poking fun at...my experiences with anxiety.

Anxiety has been my companion for years. For those of you who don't experience it yourself, having an anxious mind is like having an extremely talkative, highly insensitive and rather sadistic sidekick who always manages to say the wrong thing in every possible scenario.

That sounds like it has the potential for some good laughs but it is not always fun. Due to the fact that you're the only one aware of this entity having an Anxious Brain is, in a way, like having voices in your head.

Except it’s just one voice

…and it hates you.

Once the Anxious Brain begins talking…life as you know it begins to unravel.

The Anxious Brain is like that kid you wish you never invited to your slumber party.

 With an Anxious Brain the entire concept of 'slumber' soon becomes a distant memory.
The Anxious Brain is a bit of a troll and capitalizes on your weakened, sleep-deprived faculties.  It loves to intentionally derail you and make you second-guess yourself even when making the most trivial of decisions.

Due it's ability to render you helpless when making decisions your overall productivity begins to plummet. It not only affects your ability to perform in the workplace, social settings, driving or pretty much any time that you are presented with a question...it also makes the simplest, every-day decisions like which movie to watch or which pair of underwear you should put on seem life-altering and therefore impossible to make.

The Anxious Brain is especially not a fan of ambitious undertakings or exercises in spontaneity. It is like the Negative Nancy in your life that notifies you of every possible scenario in which your plans could go up in smoke or somehow lead to your demise. No matter what you do, the Anxious Brain will manage to find a flaw and stab you with it repeatedly at every possible angle.

The Anxious Brain is also exceptional at ruining the moment.

If being a brat was the Anxious Brain's only flaw it might be tolerable in the grand scheme of things. However, the Anxious Brain is also very needy. It needs to be the sole focus of your attention at all times. When it discovers that it is not it will get your attention at all costs.

 You also have to remember that the Anxious Brain doesn't sleep. So if you manage to somehow get in a few hours of sleep, know that the minute you awake it's waiting for you with what is likely to be another episode of senseless harassment. Before you even gather your faculties the Anxious Brain is already in action...and you aren't awake enough to realize what is happening. 

In other words your day begins in a shitstorm of panic and despair and you are completely unaware of its cause or why you have this pressing need to never get out of bed ever again...

Any attempts to thwart the Anxious Brain's rein of tyranny leads to events that inevitably subject you to questioning of your sanity.

Don’t get me wrong. The Anxious Brain can have it's moments. It is very excitable and therefore once in good humour can exaggerate any good thing to monumental proportions.

But it doesn't take long for it to remember its calling in life...

After years of living with the Anxious Mind...one eventually grows weary of the constant tap dancing on your very last nerve with it's endless strew of abuse, pessimism and belligerent resurrection of every horrible thing that has ever happened to you.

 Inevitably one tries to strike back.

I engaged in prescription chemical warfare to sedate the bastard...

But that only worked temporarily...like a weighty pendulum it swung right back to pummel me when I least expected it.

I tried manipulating it through applied psychology.

This works...but then you have to bear with the newly emotionaly-in-tune Anxious Brain that now wants to tell you everything all the time...

To try to help it develop a deeper sense of calm I tried tricking it into partaking in meditation.

You can only imagine how that went...

For a while life seemed like a constant tango with the little terrorist...but in time we learned to coexist. Sometimes the insults stop and sometimes you simply learn to hear them less. All in all life can go on happily and you learn to let the troubles of the past fade to the distance.

Sadly, old habits die hard and it's only a matter of time before the Anxious Brain is up to its usual tricks...

And here we go again.


  1. I read this one, not just your mom and your bf! Very good piece of writing, congratulations!