Why This Blog is So Necessary to Humanity

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Don't Be a Drama Llama

What is a Drama Llama? You don’t actually have to ask. You may know more Drama Llamas than you think. In fact…you may be a bit of a Llama yourself.
Drama Llamas are contagious creatures that stalk the earth sucking the life out of those around them. Except they don’t do it in the traditional way like Dracula or those Cullen twerps. Drama Llamas feed off of the very essence of your being. They are fuelled by chaos and spice their food with the colour from your cheeks and the fire in your soul. Ever hung up the phone after a conversation feeling completely drained mentally and emotionally? Chances are that you have been exposed to a DL.

 The Drama Llama is ever watchful. They have super sensors that detect a sympathetic ear. They don’t even have to know you. They, like other primitive beings have a heightened sense of smell that could sniff out the slightest bit of empathetic capacity a mile away. Once you are within earshot…well…you’re doomed.

Something is always going wrong with the Drama Llama. Something is always happening to them of which you must know the infinite details. Whether they are facing a pressing deadline at work or a pressing bunion in their shoe you’re going to know all about it.

Welcome to Llama-Land.

Llama-Land. Where nothing goes right, everything has a deeply emotional repercussion and nothing is ever, EVER solvable.

Tickets to Llama-Land are always one way and always at a great price. Whether it is your time, patience or mental sanity you are about to lose a whole lot of one of them.

Everyone has problems and there is absolutely nothing wrong with talking about them. However, with the Drama Llama, everything is a problem. Their problems have problems. If you try and help them by offering a solution, there’s a problem  with that too.  If the problems somehow resolve themselves there is bound to be a problem with how things turned out or another problem to replace it. In Llama-land  the answer to the question ‘How are you?’ is never a simple ‘I’m fine, thanks.’ The answer is always heavy and fully loaded due to the lifetime’s worth of baggage that they insist on lugging everywhere.

Drama Llamas are not bad people. But…they’re not people really. They are one half human one half crazed, feral, might eat your shirt right off your back llama. More often than not you can survive an encounter with the Drama Llama. However, when the Llama is truly hungry, or hurt, or tired, or missed a new episode of Jersey Shore and someone ruined their life by giving spoilers…then the Drama Llama goes Full Llama: The inconsolable beast that eats you alive from the inside out. 

What does the Llama say? It’s nothing so melodic as ‘ring ding ding ding dinga dingering’. No…the llama says nothing so whimsical and uplifting. The Llama says an endless spew of expanding negativity and despair that blots out the sun, blows out your eardrums and traps your soul in a teeny tiny casket made out of the remaining splinters of your sanity…and then slowly lowers it into a cesspool of volcanic frustration of which you can never escape.

That’s the problem with the Llama. It doesn’t actually want your help. It just wants to trap you in chaos so it can feed on your youth. I’m serious. And then you find yourself at the end of the day feeling about 15 years older and frail while the Llama is happily off Llama-ing to someone else gaining more sustenance as you whither. 

And the worst part is that the rate of DLs has skyrocketed and most of us don’t even realize that we are facing an epidemic. DL syndrome is highly contagious and it’s only a matter of time after repeated exposure that you yourself could start becoming a little Llama.

Well I am hairy enough and I say we take a stand and raise DL awareness! Enough is enough! I am the Anti-Llama!

I’m taking this new life purpose very seriously so I went ahead and made some awesome t-shirts for our cause.

However, insanely cool threads will not be enough to shield their attacks so I have also devised some passive aggressive self defense tactics for the various types of potential encounters that one can face with a DL. The tactics are designed to shock the system long enough for a speedy escape. That’s right. I’m the Llama Whisperer.

 In pairs/groups -- The Shun tactic

It doesn't always work as Llamas are unfortunately mobile. 

Electronic Encounters -- Default Deny

Anything that falls outside of the approved words list get’s blocked. Or a least blatantly ignored...

And my favourite...

Solo Encounters -- Flight of the Concord

Be nice to the Llama. I’m not saying to be mean…but sometimes in life you just have to roll up that magazine to make your point. Or in this case to run for your life…

So...that's really all I have right now as I am in the early stages of developing the ALPACA Federation. However I hope that these tactics can at least reduce your rate of Llama wounds for the time being. For anyone interested in shirts supply is limited! Limited to none because I haven't actually made them yet...it's been difficult finding a supplier for alpaca wool. Alpaca wool is naturally water repellant and hard to set on fire so I figured it was the next best thing after mithril to be donning for our cause.