Why This Blog is So Necessary to Humanity

Saturday, April 1, 2017

It's Just Social Media...

Everyone knows that social media isn't real right?

Until that light starts blinking.

Like that is really going to rustle you right? You're bigger than that...

No pun intended.

Nice try though.

And then...

Thursday, November 24, 2016

How to Get a Good Night's Sleep (Unless you are The Boy)

How to Get a Good Night's Sleep (unless you are The Boy)

The Boy has this incredible ability that I literally cannot get my head around. It's something that I admire beyond words and yet another indicator that he is the superior human. What is this trait then you ask?

He is one of those skilled minds that once in a reclined position has the unprecedented ability to fall asleep.

This is an ability that I clearly do not possess. 

I can't tell you why I can't fall asleep more often than not. It's not because I am an unhappy person. Sometimes I can't fall asleep because I am happy.

It is true that I am not always losing sleep because my life is so awesome though. Sometimes I cannot fall asleep due to excessive worrying...

Yes, sometimes I am unable to fall asleep when I am sad...

No matter what I'm feeling it all comes down to the fact that I just cannot seem to fall asleep.

The Boy however is amazing at it.

Most nights I lay there listening to him sleep and wondering what part of my brain is fractured in a way that has handicapped me from being able to perform this basic human function. Even if I am exhausted there always seems to be a light on in the back of my mind that just won't turn off. I will feel like I am drifting away into sleep and then my mind perks back up saying, 'You left the light on woman. It's your turn to get it.'

So I lay there...contemplating life. Contemplating how The Boy is so magical. Contemplating the few times in the past that I fell asleep and what I did to accomplish such a feat...

And then something magical does happen...


Finally I am not alone in my sleeplessness! I knew that he and I were meant to be. We are alike even in sleeplessness. Two restless souls weathering the night together, gazing at each other through bloodshot eyes while sharing stories of the past and hopes for the future. We could plan our entire lives together with these extra hours of quality time. We'd be the greatest of comrades facing the dead of night with nothing but intrigue and a lust for living up every moment. We'd be unstoppable!

That would be us...the sunken-eyed duo with a love so strong and so bright it lit up the dark hours of the night when the sun forsakes us. We would feel no exhaustion because our bond fuelled our souls. Yes...I could see it now and I was ready for it.

Until I realized that he just needed to go to the bathroom.

And when he gets back...

He falls right back asleep again.

And so I lay prostrate with frustration and bewilderment with my inadequate brain and it's blatant lack of respect for my needs.

I knew that there must be a way to draw upon The Boy's strengths and ensnare them for my own using. I'm totally childish and I've heard it said a kid's brains is like a sponge. I could absolutely soak this technique out of him. So I have begun the process of absorbtion through the most obvious form: skin contact. 

Over the course of the past few years I have assumed the following remedial positions and have found that they have greatly aided my endeavours. The Boy can back me up on the success rate of these postures due to the fact that he often wakes up to find me asleep in them which validates their effectiveness.

The Clinger 

It goes without saying that whole body contact ensures maximum absorption potential making this ideal.

The Considerate Clinger

 Sometimes you feel guilty for crowding The Boy. You know, because you are thoughtful like that. So you assume this position of milder contact once you have absorbed enough drowsiness.

The Face Plant

I found this to be great for smushing negative thoughts. 

The Toe 

Sometimes The Boy is not being cooperative and sleeps in a position that does not allow for satisfactory clinging or face plants such as when he faces my side of the bed. 

In such emergency situations you can utilize your lower appendage and seek contact in this manner.

This is versatile for times when you find yourself feeling more comfortable sleeping in the opposite direction as well. 

To the men out there who wake up to find their women sleeping in any of these positions, now you can see that they have valid reasons for this and you'd do well to put a leash on your exasperation. If you have any compassion in your heart for your lady's struggles with sleeplessness you will quit your complaining and go back to sleep since you are so good at it anyways.