Why This Blog is So Necessary to Humanity

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Dumbbell Abandonment Awareness

What a world...

My stupid asthma flared up today after a few months of no real issues. I was diagnosed with adult onset of asthma January this year. I never had asthma as a kid so this has been an adjustment for me. For someone who has excelled in aerobic endurance activities since primary school track and field it feels pretty alien for me to have to try not to get my heart rate up too high too quickly. Since things have been going so well I decided to do some intervals with the battle rope today. Ha. I might as well have just strangled myself with them. 5 rounds and then I've been catching myself all day.


Thursday, July 2, 2015

Dear Entertainment Weekly

Dear Entertainment Weekly,

You released a bunch of photos from the new 'Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice' movie and I'm not sure if you noticed but there was something seriously wrong with four out of the six photos.

Anyways, I figured it was an editing oversight so I went ahead and fixed the problem for you.

Your improved photos are attached below.

You're welcome.



When The Anxious Brain Crosses Over to The Dark Side

Everyone has a dark side…including the Anxious Brain.

On most occasions the Anxious Brain is a brat. It’s annoying. It’s a pesky tag along in every aspect of your life. But there are times where it takes a turn for the worst. It crosses over to the dark side…and I was left in the dark in every sense of the term. I didn’t see it coming and I didn’t see it happen.

I knew that the Anxious Brain was a trickster. After years of being daunted by sudden unreasonable waves of complete self doubt I was 100% certain that it took pleasure in messing with me. However I was unaware of the extent of it's malice...  Over time it’s power seemed to be getting too strong. It took me some time to realize that what I was now dealing with... was a Dark Jedi…

Yep, the Anxious Brain became a pissy little sith lord.

As was mentioned…the first thing to tip me off was the barrage of sinister mind games. I wasn’t this volatile and I knew it. The Anxious Brain would strike at any time it saw fit, twisting my mind into an abyss of negativity and self hated…an atmosphere in which it drew it’s power.

A state which would suddenly dissipate leaving me rather confused but still mildly convinced of it’s validity...

Smells sithy to me….

I didn’t want to over react but the next clue came soon after. The next clue was it’s ability to choke me at will. I once thought that stress alone was the culprit but in retrospect I realized that most of these choking episodes occurred within the same day as the mind games…

Try swallowing anything other than your memories of taste when you are being strangled by the iron grip of the force. This was more than stress…there was some sort of sorcery involved.

Sorcery, yes. Like it’s ability to find every cloud in the sky and drag it over your head…

The last clue I found with a little help. I connected the dots by following the steps of every other responsible individual who retreats to the internet to diagnose their symptoms. Except this wasn’t a job for WebMD…no…I needed Google power. 

“Sith abilities’ It was all there.

Jedi mind tricks = the doubt-storms
Force choke = the random strangulations
Force Illusion = the projected perception of cloudy gloom…
And finally
Force Fear.

The description of Force Fear that I discovered on the highly reliable Wookipedia was dead on the mark.

Force fear was a dark side Force power and possibly a dark side variant on the Jedi mind trick, used around4000 BBY by Sith and Jedi with dark side tendencies. The wielder would strike directly at the deepest parts of the target's mind, causing an uncontrollable shaking fear that would wreak havoc with the target's capabilities. Through pure force of will alone, a user could cause them to lose their courage completely, and if left undefended, the effects could be severe, rapidly demoralizing the enemy with a feeling of hopelessness and regret.

That little shit…that was like my last few days in a nutshell.

I thought back to the string of days and nights riddled with gut wrenching fear of everything and nothing at the same time barring me from sleep or any scraps of functionality whilst awake. It had been plaguing me with the Force and blinding me from the ability to even know what I was up against. Cowardice to say the least. It was time to take action.

 Apparently I am not the only one with this problem. 

I found a heated debate on the topic somewhere in cyberspace. They argued the effectiveness of a carbonite chamber versus a three-barelled shot gun. Some were a little more simplistic with the suggestion of just chopping off it’s head. To be honest the nerd level reached infinite proportions and I got bored out of my mind halfway through. Where the hell would I get a carbonite chamber anyways? I’d be better off boring it to death with that thread…

No…I needed to fight force with force and I needed to become a Jedi if I was going to stand a chance.

Now here was the real hurdle. All of the Jedi masters I was aware of were in a galaxy far, far away. Useless turds. Add that to the fact that The Boy banned me from answering anymore adds on Craigslist so now I was really screwed. I was well up sith creek with no Yoda to my padawan.

And this is where I am at, scraping the sides of the earth searching for clues at to their whereabouts and finding no(bi)one.

Do you see what I did there? That is either hilariously brilliant or a tediously desperate attempt to be witty…but I am unsure due to the hour and the tyrannical rein of the newly appointed Darth Braine.

Eckhart Tolle sounds like a Jedi name. I think I am going to investigate him next.