Why This Blog is So Necessary to Humanity

Saturday, March 12, 2016

HOW?!: Part One

There are some things that women do that just fascinate me. Especially because I'm female and I don't understand why I was not born with these magical powers like the ability to run, walk or not die in heels or the ability to wear strapless dresses without applying it to my frame with a glue gun.

I swear that I am not deformed...but most women's clothing and accessories just look absolutely ridiculous on me or under no circumstances can be pulled off in real life scenarios.

Take these shoes for example:


I was in a situation where I needed closed-in shoes that were not sneakers to wear with a dress shirt and low enough that I could walk in them for extended periods. Heels are great but they render me crippled if I do not have constant access to walls to lean on. I was contemplating ballerina flats but for some reason every time I have worn them for long periods of walking they eat my foot alive and leave me with excruciating arch pain with or without insoles. Then I happened upon this style of shoe. What do they call these anyways? It's like the result of a ballerina shoe mating with a bedroom slipper. Anyways, I cannot for the life of me understand how these are supposed to stay on your foot!!

I see women doing it all the time...parading around in these all over town like etherial beauties fluttering across the street as if to say, 'Oh this is no big deal. I'm just defying the laws of physics and gravity with every step! You're just a lesser woman with potato feet obviously!'



I tried on a pair just to see if they would murder my foot less than the standard ballerina flat. Standing still, they were pretty dainty....but the minute I take a step:

The shoe was my exact size but it would not stay on unless I did this awkward shuffle like a geisha needing to use the toilet. 

So then I figured that maybe it was like a strapless bra where they recommend going a size down...

I think this is the next step down from foot binding.

I have come to the conclusion that any of you wearing these shoes are either drunk 24/7 so you cannot feel your feet or you hate yourself so much that you want the torture without the trouble of hiring someone for bastinato.

 I however have devised my own solution that involves buying these a size up!

You're welcome.