AddingPins Blab-Blog: The Progressive Levels of Caffeination

'Caffeination' is not a real word. But it should be...

I was never into coffee until I started working graveyard shifts in my late teens. I was always a tea girl. However working back to back midnight to 8am shifts and being incapable of sleeping when the sun is up forced my hand. I will never forget my first sip of crappy, Nescafe instant hampster shit looking coffee. I hated it so much I probably put about 18 tablespoons of sugar in that 16oz Styrofoam cup. Whether it was the insane sugar rush or the effect of the caffeine itself…the taste was worth it and I was hooked forever.

People who don’t drink coffee don’t understand that there are different levels of caffeination...and I don’t mean of caffeine containing beverages. I mean of the caffeine consumer. Until a certain level of caffeine is reached interaction with the consumer can not only be futile but potentially hazardous to your health.

Don’t worry. I will use myself as an example in the following text to help you be a conscious and considerate comrade to the caffeine consumer…or a CCCCC (pronounced "KKKKKKKCH")

Stage One: No Caffeine

Upon waking there is no caffeine in the system. I am pretty much as useful as an unplugged computer. Just like when your computer is OFF it cannot access Word. The brain is completely cut off from the vocabulary database therefore communication is impossible. You would not try to use Google on an unplugged computer. If you can understand that then you can understand why you should not ask someone questions before they have had their coffee…

Stage Two: The Smell of Coffee is in the Air

Don’t get excited. Let’s stick with the computer analogy. At this point, imagine the AddingPins computer monitor detects power. So you’ve plugged it in but you haven’t turned it on. The little light may be on but it is still not an operating unit. I repeat…I am not an operational unit!!! Can you Google now? No. So be quiet.

You were warned.

Stage Three: The First Cup

Alright. The system is almost fully on. I’m kind of awake. But as you know…with any computer things take time to load so don’t get all click happy or else everything is just going to freeze up and you’re going to have a bad time.

Just hang in there…personality is uploading and you can enjoy the perks of your caffeine consumer soon enough...

Stage Four: The Second Cup

All systems go. The computer is ON 'for reals'. I am officially a Person with something resembling a personality again. In other words you are allowed to exist in my presence without risk of dismemberment. Oh and you can speak now!

In general you will find any caffeine consumer to be absolutely delightful at this level of caffeination.

Stage Five: The Third Cup (not for the weak of heart)

The third cup generally pushes me into hyperdrive and in this state of generalized enhancement I get shit done. Chores. Cooking. Emails. Client plans. Highly important social media updates and super-fantastic blog posts like you are reading now are done with utmost enthusiasm at a speed-of-light pace. Mood is high. Blood pressure is probably high. Overall output is execptional. I am now an uber-productive, MS Paint fiend with cutting wit and a bad case of verbal diarrhoea. My brain functions faster than my mouth so everything just seems to tumble out before going through their usual line of sensitivity filters.