I’ve always known I could never be a super hero for the
obvious reason. I mean, I have zero super powers right? So that pretty much
rules that out in insulting permanent ink.
However, up until recently I have been operating under the assumption
that if ever given the opportunity to do anything heroic I could find it within
myself to rise to the occasion. I now know this to be thoroughly untrue.
I’ve had moments in the past where I had the chance to do
something every-day heroic and failed…like giving directions to a blind lady
using hand gestures and the time I could have saved the day by covering
someone’s shift...but I opted to hide indoors for no other reason
than I was ‘peopled-out’ and behind on my Dragonball Z. These should have been
decent indicators of my lack in valour but somehow I still managed to limp
along in my daily life on the false leg of hope that I might somehow save the
day eventually.
All of this changed the other day when I was on the train.
I was standing on the train that day as there were no open
rows of seats (I feel funny to plonk down next to someone and essentially hem
them in against the window or side panel) and I took my usual ‘no seat’
position right near the door and gripped the handle bar as the train rattled
and swung all over the place. I had in my headphones and I completely zoned out
as I stared at nothing in particular through the door's window. I don’t know
where my mind was. I’m guessing that it was comfortably dozing in the space
between the lyrics of my Pearl Jam playlist and my faint recollection that I
was still in public and not in my bed so I shouldn’t nod off.
Somehow from this nowhereland I vaguely acknowledged the
fact that we had reached yet another stop and I continued to stare blankly out
at the street. People pushed into the train but I had tucked myself strategically in a way that I was neither in the way or in a place that anyone
would want to stand. So I continued to meander between being semi-conscious and
completely oblivious of my surroundings…that includes the straggler cyclist who was
evidently fumbling with his bicycle.
I zoned in enough for a moment to think to myself, ‘He’s
moving slowly…’ and then off I went again into space. I zoned in again to think
‘Hm…he might not make it…he should probably push the button to hold the door.’
Again, I went off into la-la land.
I continued to stare blankly in his direction until the
scene had already played out.
The poor cyclist tried to quickly scramble through the train
doors while holding his bike with both
hands but it was too late and the train doors had closed on him as he was
going through them.
The tail end of the thought ‘He should probably push the
button’ morphed into ‘Someone should probably push the button because the door
is closing’ but I was still a bit absent to what was really happening in front
of me…until the pained look thrown in my direction by his partially squashed
face alerted me to the fact that I was
the jackass by the “Open Door” button and I allowed the poor man to be
wedged between the doors like a fat kid on a playground slide.
When it finally dawned on me that I was being called to
action to end this poor man’s suffering, I did so in a state of panic from the
sudden jar to consciousness from my dreamworld. I proceeded to frantically slap
the button and everything around it like I had flippers for hands. It was a
pathetic display. Not to mention that the whole ordeal had me shaking for 10
minutes and drowning in a pool of self-condemnation and guilt. It was my
moment…my chance to make someone’s life a little bit better and I completely
missed it for no apparent reason
whatsoever. Thankfully the man didn’t want to murder me.
Now that the truth is out in the open I am noticing more
tell-tale signs that I could just never be a hero.
Like I mentioned, I don’t have super powers or even remotely
quick reaction time. If I somehow
acquired an incredible sum of money I still couldn’t be like Batman or Ironman.
Take the scene in Batman Forever where Batman painstakingly
deciphers The Riddler’s riddles that he keeps imposing on his property. There
is no way in hell I would have the patience for that.
Here is how the scene would play out:
I could never be Ironman because I’m allergic to most metal.
Therefore apart from the obvious, the shrapnel that the bad guys put in my
chest would kill me regardless of my ability to keep it from impaling my heart…or
it would at least leave me really fucking itchy and I’d spend my days
painstakingly trying to develop the best way to administer anti-itch cream
internally instead of focusing on more important things like…oh I don’t
know…building my hypoallergenic suit and privatizing world peace?
I also don’t speak more than one language unless you count
Pig Latin. So being someone like Black Widow is out of the question.
I could never be the Hulk because I’m just not smart enough.
I’ll never have access to the sort of things which result in lab accidents capable
of producing something more impressive than catching the table on fire or really
stubborn sleeve stains.
Now being Spiderman is possible. I am definitely skilled
enough to get bitten by a spider. However, Spiderman is male and girls just
don’t respond to performance
enhancers in the same way that men do. Knowing my luck I would end up displaying all
of the shitty side effects of the spider bite like getting really freaking
hairy spider legs, the big ass abdomen along with some rare blood disease and
dark urine.
Sorry world…there is no way I am coming to save you in that
condition.
I couldn’t be the Flash because women are twice as likely
than men to develop knee problems from running so I wouldn’t even need an arch
nemesis to eventually be thwarted.
I couldn’t be Captain America because I only have a tourist
Visa.
After much deliberation it seems that the only hero that I could probably
be is Catwoman…
...and that is nothing to be proud of.
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